


holding back

by mumblingmaria



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: 5 Times, F/M, almost kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 17:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8925757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumblingmaria/pseuds/mumblingmaria
Summary: They've set rules in place. They know where they stand with each other and it's okay. But there are moments where slip ups happen.Five times Kanan and Hera almost kiss.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I like writing almost kisses, so why not write five for one fic? These are from various moments in their lives, not necessarily in chronological order. (It was supposed to be less in order than it turned out. Ah well.)

i.

She was sitting in the cockpit trying to occupy herself and keep her mind from dwelling on her worries about the mission. It was hard; Kanan was still new to the cause. Despite how thoroughly they had planned for this job, there was still so much that could go wrong. There was so much that could happen they couldn't have planned for. But there was nothing Hera could do while sitting in the _Ghost_. So wait she would and think again about all the ways Kanan could be found out or hurt or killed.

Hera shook her head and smiled. She was being completely ridiculous. This was simply a transferring of information. Kanan goes in, drops off a datacube and then heads out. And she had planned it perfectly. The only reason she wasn’t making the delivery was the location: it wasn’t alien friendly. Humans on this planet were very much in the mindset that any other species were lesser. And with a now strong Imperial presence, those xenophobic feelings had doubled in strength. Kanan was the human for the job despite Hera's worry that something would go wrong because she wasn't there. 

To take her mind off of the mission, she decided that a cup of caf would be a better distraction than going over general readings in the _Ghost_. When she was halfway through prepping the caf maker, Hera decided to make enough for a few cups. She knew Kanan would want a cup once he got back, he always did after a mission. He'd generally make some of both of them, where or not they were both on the job. Hera figured it would be a nice surprise for him if he didn’t have to make it this once.

When Hera heard the sound of his speeder pulling into her ship. He was back. And alive. She let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She didn't go to meet him; she knew Kanan would make his way to her, despite not knowing she was in the galley. 

He was smiling as he walking into the room. She offered him a cup once he was in reach of her. “You are too good to me,” Kanan said.

“Well,” Hera replied, grinning up at him, “it was the least I could do for making you see out this mission for me.”

“I've got no problems doing anything you need me to do,” Kanan said said, winking at her. He moved next to her and leaned against the small counter. After a beat, he added, “You can easily get me to do anything for you.”

Hera laughed, she often did when he made statements like that. Her voice rang through the room and Kanan’s smile grew. He took a sip of his caf. A sigh of ease passed through his lips. She realized that they were comfortable together. She wasn’t sure when that happened. Had it been overnight or had it grown a little bit more with each passing day? The when didn't matter, not really, just that it was now.

“And why do you think that?” she asked before sipping her own caf. 

“You must have brainwashed me somehow,” he joked, poking her shoulder. “Why else would I be crazy enough to help on your crusade against the Empire?”

With a sly smile spreading across her face, Hera moved in close to him. She was right in front of him now and rose up onto her tiptoes. Her face was inches from his when she spoke, “You know you love me.”

Kanan’s face relaxed as their eyes met. He looked over her face as though he were seeing her for the first time, his smile shifting to one of complete ease. Hera’s breath hitched in her throat as he leaned in just the slightest bit closer to her. He glanced down at her lips before meeting her gaze again. “I do.”

Swallowing whatever sound that was about to escape, Hera dropped back down to the flat of her feet just as Kanan restarted his leaning in. She took a deep drink of caf as she stepped away. Kanan watched her drink and gave her a knowing yet understand look. “I should give you the report on the mission.”

“Yes,” she agreed, the word falling out of her too quickly. She blushed, or perhaps she already had been. All she knew was that her face, and really her whole body, was very warm. Hera wished Kanan would stop looking at her. She needed to refocus on what was important no matter how nice the warmth spreading through her felt. She led the way out of the galley. It was time to get back to work. Back what they needed to be. Partners. 

They were always going to just be partners.

ii.

It was a long time before anyone was ready to call it a day. What from rescuing Kanan to the reveal of Fulcrum to not dying horribly at the hands of the Empire, everyone had been filled with far too much energy. It was Zeb who decided to turn in first, which resulted in a complaining Ezra being dragged off to their room (“It’s not fair that I can’t stay up! I promise I’ll be quiet when I go to the room!”). Ahsoka was the next to leave the group, not wanting to impose on their reunion any longer. Sabine finally gave in and went to bed after three yawns hit her in a row and receiving a stern look from Hera.

Eventually, the pair left made their way to the hall of the crew quarters. They stood between their respected doors, arms wrapped around the other in a tight embrace. Hera had been stuck to Kanan’s side since he had gotten back on her ship. Back to their home. She could feel him shaking against her. Their grip tightened before they naturally pulled away. His hands were resting on her waist with a slight pressure to them as though he was worried he'd lose his balance without her. Maybe he would.

“I don’t know if I’m going to forgive you for this one,” Hera said, gently. She poked his chest and tried to grin up at him. Her lips wavered before she managed to achieve something remotely playful. “The children completely disobeyed me because of you.”

“What can I say, we raised them right,” he answered. Kanan moved a hand to her face before letting go of her completely. She missed his contact immediately. “You know you’re incredibly proud of them.”

“I am.” Hera wrapped her arms around him again, not ready to let him out of her sight again. What if she woke up and found she had dreamed his rescue? What if he just simply vanished? Her grip was firm but he offered just as much when his arms made their way around her in return. “But I’m still not forgiving you.”

Kanan chuckled as he rested his head on top of hers. His breath danced across the exposed skin at the top one of her lekku. She was enveloped in his warmth. No part of her wanted them to part ways. In this moment, Hera wanted to set aside her mission for good, to just accept what they had and live in it. Because, what if there wasn't a next time? 

“Are you okay?” Hera whispered, afraid of what his answer might be.

“I am now,” was his response.

They started to pulled away again but neither made it that far. Looking up, Hera’s green eyes met his teal ones. She let one of her hands snake its way up to his neck. His breath was shortening with each second, and she was sure hers was just as bad. Hera leaned up to him, pulling him back and pressing herself against him, only to have him take a step back. “Kanan?”

He sighed. Untangling himself from their mutual holding on each other, Kanan took her hands in his. “Hera, now isn’t the right time. You almost… You all almost lost me. As much as I would love to be with you tonight and to—,” he swallowed roughly instead of finishing the sentence. “I don’t want this for us because you were scared I was going to die. That would cloud anything that here, we both know that. I don’t want it this way.”

Hera took her turn to sigh. She hated it when he pulled her own logic on her, which was becoming more frequent as of late. She squeezed his hands before letting go. “You’re getting wise. Maybe they electrocuted you too much.”

He laughed before pressing his lips against her forehead. “Goodnight, Hera.”

“Goodnight, love.”

iii.

He waited for her. Kanan was sitting on the dejarik table while Hera paced back and forth. The rest of the crew had decided that maybe being off doing a supply run was a better choice than being around these two. She ignored her very minuscule feeling of gratitude she had for him. He was waiting for her to collect her thoughts, which Hera needed, but that wasn't going to get him point here. She wanted to be furious at him. She glared at him as she moved about the room and saw a too calm and too patient a face. She could work with being angry at that.

Finally, she stopped and planted herself in front of him. “It was reckless and so beyond stupid that I’m amazed your alive,” she spat out, not bothering with trying to keep an even tone.

“I know,” he answered. His hands were resting in his lap. He was so relaxed and she wasn’t sure if there was any point yelling at him. That wasn’t going to stop her.

“Oh, you know? You know now or you knew then? Because you still did that ‘mission’ you were so sure about,” Hera exclaimed. “I thought we had discussed that we’re a part of a larger rebellion and we can’t just go off on our own!”

“We did, Hera, but—“

“No, you don’t get to talk right now,” she interrupted him. She pointed at him, adding emphasis to each accusation she made, and in that moment wished Hera could use the Force to push him away. “You put yourself at risk. You put Zeb at risk. You put the entire fleet at risk. You didn’t think about how kidnapping a high ranking Imperial officer and trying to bring them back to our fleet of operation might endanger us. Endanger the rebellion! You disobeyed direct orders from Commander Sato and from _me_ about not leaving the fleet. You acted like a renegade. You’re lucky it failed!”

She took a breath and started to plan her next words but she felt her brain stop in its tracks as she focused on him. Kanan was smiling at her. 

“Are you even listening to me?” Hera’s voice almost reached shouting. “I have no idea what could be so amusing to you right now!”

“I’m listening,” he said as he stood up. He was watching her intently; his eyes were filled with warmth. She wanted to punch him. “I heard every word. I always hear every word you say.”

“Really?” Hera snapped.

“I put myself at risk, I put Zeb at risk, and I put the entire fleet at risk.” With each word he spoke, Kanan slowly closed the distance between them. Each step was calculated. Hera watched him get closer but didn't make any move away from him. They had played this game before, they both knew how it would end. “I didn’t think about how kidnapping a high ranking Imperial officer and bringing them to the base endangers the rebellion and us. I disobeyed direct orders from both Sato and you.”

Once he was in front of her, Kanan rested his hand on her shoulder guards, thumbs rubbing small circles across the curve, circles they knew she couldn’t feel. Hera kept her mouth set in its frown and crossed her arms, though she could feel her anger starting to leave her. Kanan smiled down at her. “I acted like a renegade.” A shiver travelled down Hera’s spin. “I’m lucky it failed.” 

Their eyes were locked and Kanan made his move; he started to lean down, his face tilting ever so slightly. Hera wasted no time in raising an eyebrow at him. She pushed him back, putting a small amount of distance between them again, and a mock groan escaped his lips. “Nice try, bucko.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” Kanan replied, his smile never wavering. His hands were still on her shoulders. Her arms were now hanging at her sides. 

“You do understand why I’m frustrated, right? Why what you did was wrong?” Hera asked. She knew how they worked. After so many years together, their partnership came to them with a great ease. They could calm the other down. They could raise the other up. They always listened to what the other had to say. They always made sure that they were going to be okay. But that never changed mistakes that were made. This was important, not just to her, and he needed to understand. 

“I do,” he said. “I’ll do better next time.”

“Or don’t do anything next time.”

“Oh, but Hera, then you would be so bored with your quiet life,” Kanan joked. He moved to wrap his arms around her and, again, she pushed him away. 

“Out of my face, Master Jedi,” she smirked up him. “You don’t want to try my patience more than you already have.”

“Aye aye, Captain.”

iv.

Kanan was sitting on the exit ramp of the _Ghost_ when she found him. He was watching the night sky of Lothal. He didn’t make any notice of her as she sat down next to him, though she knew he was very aware of her presence. He always was. They sat quietly, letting the warm night breeze spin around them.  


“Are the kids asleep?” Kanan eventually asked, still looking out over the field.

“Yes. Sabine just went to her room,” Hera answered. She leaned back on her hands and kicked her legs out in front of her. “Ezra turned in awhile ago.”  


He nodded in response before letting out a heavy sigh. He rubbed his face roughly with both hands and glanced over at Hera before looking at his hands. 

“What am I doing?” he asked in barely a whisper.

“Overthinking.”

“Very funny, Hera,” Kanan said dryly, throwing her a cold look. 

Hera scooted closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist. He sighed again, slouching into her and giving her some of his weight. “Kanan, I know you’re scared.”

“I told Ezra I was going to teach him. No questions about it. If we fail, we fail, but I’m going to take him on. But… what if I _do_ fail him? I was so young when the Jedi Order fell. I don’t know what I possibly have to offer him. And anything I can offer is such a distant memory now,” His voice was filled with more doubt and worry than Hera had heard in a long time. Sometimes she forgot how broken he was when they met. He had healed so much in their time together, worked so hard to be the man she knew he could be. Kanan had changed while they had lived. Hera wondered just how much he had changed her.

“Hera, what am I doing? I can’t fail him.”

“So you won’t,” she said. Kanan looked over at her, his brows knitted. She reached up and a gently smoothed his face with her free hand, while the one his waist shifted to the middle of his back. He pressed his cheek into her palm. “You won’t fail because you’re you. Ezra wants you as a teacher. He doesn’t want to know everything about the Force. He wants what you know. That’s enough for him. It’s been enough for the rest of us.”

“He could be so much better than me with a better teacher,” he said. “I want him to reach his full potential.”

“I know you can do this,” Hera stated. She rubbed her gloved thumb against his cheek and offered him a small smile. “Love, you are going to be one of the best things in Ezra’s life.”

“Hera…”

She smiled and continued, “Kanan, I’m so proud of you. You’ve come so far and now you’re going to help Ezra grow. To be a Jedi. You’re more than a last resort teacher. You were meant to teach Ezra.”

He smiled and turned his face to kiss hand. He looked back her. “Thank you.”

Hera studied his face. They were so close. They were alone. They rarely had these precious moments to themselves. A quiet moment to just be together. Hera leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Kanan’s. She could hear his breath. She kept her eyes opened and on Kanan. His were closed. His face was etched with lines again, his brows furrowing. She rubbed her thumb across his face and closed her eyes as she started leaning in. She felt him start to give in and move more into her touch and warmth and promise before taking her wrist in one of his hands. Kanan then gently pushed Hera away.

“Kanan?”

He didn’t say anything right away. He just sat there, his eyes still closed, his hand still holding her wrist, brows knitting together. A few breaths in and out. Then he let go of her and moved out of her hold completely.

“What is it, love?”

“You know, I think you were right all along,” Kanan started, his voice soft before letting out a small chuckle. He didn’t sound pleased by what he was saying, making Hera pretty confident in where he was heading. “We can’t do this yet, if ever. I don’t think I got where you were coming from when you said we had to put our responsibilities first, our fight first. Putting us on hold. I just figured you were being stubborn or scared. But now… with Ezra here, I think I understand.”

He looked at her and a sad smile on his face met her. “He has to come first. I have to put my attention there. Just like how yours is helping those affected by the Empire.”

Hera reached over and took Kanan’s hand in hers. She smiled at him and squeezed. She didn’t need to say anything, he knew what she was thinking, feeling. They have said it all to each other before. He knew her feelings. And she knew his. 

They sat quietly together for some time. Eventually, Hera headed back into the ship. She looked back once to find Kanan was now lying down on the ramp and staring up at the stars. She was sure she’d be proud of him till the day they died.

v.

“That,” Kanan said, leaning back on the booth in the common area, "was an exciting day." He draped his arm along the top of the couch, resting behind Hera’s shoulders, and stretched his legs out under the table. His body went taut next to her before he relaxed into the cushions. “I can’t believe you blew up your house.”

“Surprised I have a delinquent side to me?” she asked, nudging his side.

He laughed loudly. “Not at all.”

Hera smiled and then reached up to take the mask off of Kanan’s face. He muttered his thanks as she placed it on the table in front of them. She smoothed his hairline down before resting against the back of the couch again. She noticed his arm had moved so that she was now pressing against it. Kanan started rubbing circles into her shoulder. 

“It was an exciting day,” she said. She looked around the room and sighed. “I could go for a day where nothing happens.”

“I think we could all go for a day like that,” Kanan said. He rubbed his face before leaning his head back. “But I’m proud, you know, of everyone. They’ve been working hard.”

Hera hummed in agreement. “Everyone fought so hard today. I owe all of you so much.”

“Of course we did, Hera. We owe you that, at least. I know I do, probably more,” he said. He tapped her shoulder with his knuckles and she looked up at him. A grin was spreading across his face. She rolled her eyes even if he couldn't see her do it and poked his chest. His laugh rang out around her. “I’m not joking!”

“Oh, I know you’re not. You’re the same big fool I met on Gorse.” Hera poked his chest again before resting her hand on it. She fingers spread across and Hera wished she didn't have her gloves on. She watched and felt the steady rise of his chest as he breathed. “I am proud of everyone, though. And you. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?”

“A generally well oiled machine,” Kanan replied. He wrapped his arm around Hera, pulling her up against him. He pressed his lips to the middle of her head, the pressure of his lips just making it through her flight cap. Murmuring into it, he said, “You keep us together.”

They welcomed these opportunities to be calm, even if it could never last that long. She wish that she could afford to give anything and everything up so that they could just stay like this. Just for a day, and then she would be back to the Rebellion. 

They sat together in silence, letting the galaxy move past them. Hera thought about the last few missions they had had. Even with the mistakes made, mistake from everyone, they had each other. This family was always going to be there. Maybe she did help hold them together, but they were all integral to their group. They all played their part in keeping them together, keeping her together. She couldn’t think of a life without them. 

But with the lives they lived…

Hera looked up at Kanan’s face. Was he thinking the same things she was? Did he worry daily about what they brought their family into? What she had brought them all into? She started to gently move her hand up his chest as his grip around her tightened. 

They welcomed these quiet moments. They rarely got them. They never knew when the next job or attacking would arrive. They had to be ready to fight at a moment's notice.

She sat up straighter, bringing her face level to his. Kanan’s eyes were already closed. His other hand was now resting on her hip. Her hand reached the back of his neck.

They welcomed these chances to breathe. To relax. To just live.

Her breath caught in her throat as they leaned into each other. She closed her eyes and titled her head, ready and accepting. Hera could already feel the smile that was on Kanan’s face. Her own smile appeared, warmth coursing through her as they got closer and closer…

A loud crash from elsewhere on the _Ghost_ stopped them. They opened both their eyes. They were millimeters away from each other. The look Hera saw on Kanan's face read “which kid was it this time?"

Over the ship's internal comms, Ezra’s voice rang. “ _Kanan, Hera, don’t worry! Everything is fine and nothing at all happened. Just… just don’t come to the cargo hold!_ ”

Hera and Kanan were silent for a second before bursting into laughter. They pulled away from each other. Kanan was the first to get up from the couch, offering a hand to Hera once he was standing. She slid out and took his offer. She smiled up at him and squeezed his hand. 

“Shall we go and check on the family that makes us proud?” he asked, gesturing to the door. 

Hera chuckled and led the way.

They welcomed these moments of joy.


End file.
